Ep 35 - What I Wish Someone Had Told Me Sooner About People-Pleasing
What if some of the things you’ve always called “being helpful,” “being easygoing,” or “being a good person” are actually people-pleasing in disguise?
In this episode of Becoming Unbothered, Dr. Shiloh takes a slightly uncomfortable look at what can really be underneath people pleasing, including the need to manage how other people see us. Because sometimes we aren’t just trying to be kind. We’re trying to make sure other people think we’re kind. And that is exhausting.
If you’ve ever rewritten a text three times, added an exclamation point so you didn’t sound mean, said yes when you desperately wanted to say no, or found yourself resentful toward someone who technically never forced you to do anything, this conversation may feel very familiar.
In this episode, Dr. Shiloh explores:
- Why people-pleasing isn’t always as selfless as it appears
- The difference between generosity and fear-based people-pleasing
- Why someone being disappointed in you doesn’t necessarily mean you did something wrong
- How avoidance reinforces the people-pleasing cycle; why people-pleasing often turns into resentment
- The uncomfortable question: What have I taught people to expect from me?
- Why you don’t always need a “good enough” excuse to say no
- What happens when you start changing relationship patterns other people have grown accustomed to
- Why someone reacting negatively to your boundary doesn’t automatically make them toxic
- The difference between loving people and needing them to like you
One of the biggest shifts is learning to tolerate someone else’s disappointment without immediately making their disappointment your emergency.
A question to sit with after this episode:
Would I still make this choice if I knew this person might be disappointed with my answer?
Ready to go deeper?
Check out Dr. Shiloh's bestselling book, The Unbothered Button. If you recognized some of your own patterns in this conversation, The Unbothered Reset was designed to help you identify what’s underneath those patterns and begin changing the ones that are no longer serving you. You can find it, and other tools, at www.drshilohspeaks.com.
And if this episode made you immediately think of someone, send it to them. Sharing the podcast is one of the best ways to help these conversations reach people who need them.
