People Pleasing Isn’t Always About Being Nice. Sometimes It’s About Being Liked.

I heard a psychologist say recently that people-pleasing can be a low-level form of narcissism. My immediate reaction was basically, Well, that’s offensive. Mostly because I thought they might have a point.

Now, before anyone gets upset, I am absolutely not saying that being a people pleaser means you have narcissistic personality disorder. That’s an entirely different conversation.

But the comment made me uncomfortable enough that I kept thinking about it. For years, I probably wouldn’t have described myself as a people pleaser. I would have said I was helpful. Responsible. Easy to get along with. Someone people could count on.

Those all sound like good qualities. And they are. The problem is that sometimes what looks like kindness on the outside is being driven by something very different on the inside. Sometimes we aren’t just worried about other people’s feelings. We’re worried about whether their feelings are favorable toward us.

People Pleasing Can Be About Managing Other People’s Opinions

I want you to think I’m kind. I want you to think I’m helpful. I want you to think I’m a good friend, a good mom, a good Christian, a good therapist, or whatever role I happen to occupy in your life. None of that is particularly alarming.

Until I start changing my behavior because I need to produce that response from you. Now I’m not simply being nice. I’m trying to manage your experience of me. Apparently, I have decided I’m responsible for my emotions, your emotions, your opinion of me, and possibly the weather. No wonder I’m tired.

And people-pleasing really is exhausting. You have to anticipate how everyone will respond to everything you do. You explain decisions that probably don’t need explaining. You replay conversations looking for evidence that someone is upset. 

And God forbid you need to text someone the word “no.” Suddenly you’re rewriting the message three times. Maybe the period looks aggressive. Better make it an exclamation point. Maybe add a smiley face. Meanwhile, the other person read your message 20 minutes ago, put their phone away, and is walking around Target while you’re still conducting a psychological autopsy of the conversation.

If that sounds familiar, something is usually underneath it. Fear.

Why Does People-Pleasing Feel So Hard to Stop?

Psychologically, avoidance can work remarkably well in the short term. Imagine someone asks you to do something you really don’t want to do. You immediately feel anxious about saying no. So you say yes. And almost instantly, some of the anxiety disappears.

Your brain notices that. Essentially, it learns:

That worked. Do it again.

The next time you’re worried someone might be disappointed, saying yes becomes an easy way to escape the discomfort. Over time, the pattern gets stronger. That’s why one of the most useful questions I’ve learned to ask myself is:

Would I still choose to do this if I knew this person might be disappointed in my answer?

That question helps separate generosity from people-pleasing. I can sacrifice something because I love you and genuinely want to. Healthy relationships require sacrifice sometimes. But I can perform the exact same behavior because I’m terrified you’ll think I’m selfish if I don’t.

From the outside, those choices may look identical. Internally, they’re completely different.

Someone Being Disappointed in You Doesn’t Mean You Disappointed Them

This distinction took me a long time to understand. Someone can be disappointed with my decision without my decision being wrong. Those are two separate things.

I used to have a very difficult time tolerating other people’s disappointment. If someone was upset with me, I wanted to fix it. Maybe I needed to explain myself better. Surely, if they really understood why I made the decision, they wouldn’t be upset anymore.

Except sometimes they understand perfectly. They just disagree with you. That’s inconvenient because now there’s nothing left to fix. Other people are allowed to have an experience of you that you don’t agree with. Someone can think you were selfish when you don’t believe you were selfish. Someone can misunderstand your intentions. Someone can believe you should have made a different choice.

You can listen to their perspective. You can consider whether you need to own something. You can apologize when you’ve handled something poorly. But you don’t have to keep adjusting yourself until everyone agrees that you’re a good person. 

That is an impossible job. There are billions of people on this planet. Statistically speaking, someone is eventually going to think you’re awful. I don’t know what to tell you. The numbers aren’t looking good.

The Connection Between People Pleasing and Resentment

Here’s another thing I wish someone had explained to me sooner:

People pleasing creates resentment.

Have you ever agreed to do something you absolutely did not want to do and then gotten irritated with the person who asked you? I have. More times than I would like to admit.

You say:

• “Of course.”
• “No problem.”
• “I’ll take care of it.”

Then three hours later you’re thinking, Does anybody appreciate how much I do around here? Meanwhile, the other person has absolutely no idea that you two are in a fight. Because technically, you said yes.

Sometimes resentment really does indicate that someone is asking too much from you. Some people take advantage of generosity, and you shouldn’t ignore that. But sometimes nobody took advantage of me. I volunteered. I stepped in. I fixed something before anyone asked me to. And then I got mad because somehow I was doing everything again.

At some point, we have to notice that we keep showing up for the same job. Which leads to an uncomfortable but incredibly useful question:

What have I taught people to expect from me?

If I’ve spent years telling everyone, “It’s fine,” when it wasn’t fine, I’ve given them inaccurate information. Then I’m getting upset with them for believing me. Changing the pattern means I have to start telling the truth.

You Don’t Need a Court-Admissible Excuse to Say No

People pleasers love a legitimate excuse. “I can’t. I have an appointment.” Perfect. “I  already have plans.” Even better. Now the no has supporting documentation. We could probably get it notarized. Nobody can possibly be mad.

But sometimes you technically could do something. You’re available. You just don’t want to. And apparently, you’re allowed to make that decision too. That can be incredibly difficult when you’ve spent years believing your no is only legitimate when you can sufficiently justify it.

Once you stop looking for excuses and start making actual choices, however, you have to accept something uncomfortable... Someone may not like your choice. Which brings us to perhaps the bigger question underneath people-pleasing:

Can I tolerate someone being disappointed with me without immediately making their disappointment my emergency?

What Happens When You Stop People Pleasing?

When you start changing these patterns, don’t expect everyone around you to applaud your personal growth right away. But that doesn’t automatically mean they’re toxic. I think the internet gets a little carried away with that one sometimes.

Maybe you’ve spent ten years saying:

• “No problem.”
• “I’ll handle it.”
• “I’ll figure it out.”

Then you discover boundaries on Tuesday, and by Wednesday you’re announcing:

I will no longer participate in anything that disrupts my peace.

Okay. Calm down. Your friend Susan just wanted to know if you could pick her up from the airport. Give her a minute. When you change a long-established pattern, you are changing something in the relationship. Healthy people may still need time to understand what’s different.

Unfortunately, there is another possibility. Some people really did benefit from the version of you who never said no. And when you stop being that person, you may discover that what someone appreciated wasn’t necessarily you. Maybe they appreciated your constant availability. Maybe they appreciated that you absorbed the inconvenience so they didn’t have to. That can be painful information.

The important part is learning not to interpret every negative reaction as an instruction to return to the old version of yourself. You can listen. You can acknowledge when you’ve handled something poorly. You can change your mind. But you don’t have to abandon a healthy decision simply because someone else doesn’t like it.

Does Christianity Require People Pleasing?

This matters spiritually, too. Jesus was incredibly loving. He certainly wasn’t universally pleasing. People were disappointed with Him. People disagreed with Him. He walked away from crowds. He did not meet every demand placed upon Him, and He didn’t spend His ministry ensuring everyone understood and approved of every decision He made.

So I have a difficult time believing that being a good Christian means making sure nobody is ever disappointed in me. Love and people-pleasing are not the same. Maybe the question worth asking is:

Am I loving you, or am I trying to make sure you like me?

Those two things can look remarkably similar until the moment you have to say no.

You Don’t Have to Become Less Caring

If you recognize yourself in some of this, you don’t need to become colder, harder, or less generous. I don’t want that for myself either. I want to care about people. I want to be generous. I want to show up for the people I love.

I just want those choices to be honest. When I do something for you, I want it to be because I chose to do it. Not because I was afraid of what you would think about me if I didn’t. And maybe that is one of the biggest differences between people-pleasing and genuine generosity.

One is driven by choice. The other is driven by fear.

Listen to the Full Conversation

This article was inspired by Episode 35 of the Becoming Unbothered with Dr. Shiloh podcast, What I Wish Someone Had Told Me Sooner About People Pleasing.

Listen on your favorite podcast platform for more of the stories, examples, psychology, and probably an unnecessary amount of discussion about punctuation.

Ready to Look at Your Own Patterns?

If you found yourself thinking, Well, crap. I do that, the Unbothered Reset is a good next step. I created the Reset to help you identify some of the patterns operating underneath your reactions, understand where they may be coming from, and begin changing the ones that are no longer serving you.

For a deeper look at boundaries, emotional resilience, and learning to protect your peace without guilt, you can also find my book The Unbothered Button on Amazon or wherever books are sold.

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If you’re just finding my work, welcome.

Listen: Becoming Unbothered with Dr. Shiloh blends psychology, lived experience, faith, and practical tools for people who are tired of giving everything and everyone unlimited access to their energy.

Read: The Unbothered Button goes deeper into boundaries, emotional resilience, and learning how to protect your peace without guilt.

Reset: The Unbothered Reset can help you start identifying the patterns keeping you emotionally reactive, overextended, or stuck.

Bring Dr. Shiloh to Your Audience: Dr. Shiloh speaks to organizations, conferences, healthcare professionals, churches, and leadership teams about boundaries, emotional resilience, burnout, difficult conversations, and what it actually takes to become unbothered.

About Dr. Shiloh

Dr. Shiloh Werkmeister is a licensed professional counselor, educator, author, and speaker specializing in boundaries, emotional resilience, trauma recovery, and nervous system health. Through her books, podcast, and speaking engagements, she helps people stop living in survival mode and build healthier relationships from the inside out.

Now I’m curious: What’s harder for you, saying no or tolerating someone’s reaction after you say it?

Leave a comment, or share this article with someone who might need permission to stop making everyone else’s disappointment their emergency.